Tuesday, 19 May 2015

Religion

I've been writing a lot of lyrics recently, something I haven't had to do for years. I'm finding it a lot harder this time around though because I'm just not that surrounded by drama anymore. Without having anything like that to draw experience from I'm had to dig deep into myself and tap into a certain level of darkness to find something to write about. It was then that I found a large portion of my lyrics related to how I feel about religion.
Religion is something I've encountered fully just once in my life. For around 6 months when I was 22, I was severely depressed. It feels like such an easy way out to call it that but I guess some of the 'symptoms' were the same. I'd wake up and not want to get up. I hated just about everyone I had to see and talk to on a daily basis and I had no real passion or motivation to do anything. I never stretched as far as physical self harm though but my mental state was extremely fragile. I won't go into detail of the events that led to this but I will talk about the outcome.
Because I'm such a proud and stubborn person I refused to accept help from anyone. I certainly didn't want to see a professional about it and I didn't want to talk about it for the sake of getting it off my chest. I've personally never felt any great benefit from talking about my problems, as far as I'm concerned that only makes it feel more real. I just felt utterly useless, vulnerable and alone. Let me just say that feeling like you're backed into a corner with no sign of a positive outcome is truly soul destroying and it's not something I ever want to feel again.
At some point in my vulnerable mental state I must have made a semi-conscious decision to explore the possibility of using religion in a positive way. Now, I'm a scientist first and a fantasist later so the idea of garnering positivity from this book of fiction would have felt alien to me. But by this point I was just desperate enough to try anything. So i invested about 3 months of my time in the Bible, flicking to random pages as opposed to reading cover to cover. Now I'm not saying I became full on Bible-basher but it did throw up some interesting feelings. I won't go into too much depths regarding what i'd found but I will share possibly my favourite verse and one that still sticks with me, from Proverbs 24:14 - Know that wisdom is such to your soul; if you find it, there will be a future, and your hope will not be cut off. - That one immediately jumped out at me, because it spoke about hope and wisdom in a way I'd not realised before. It talked about a future, something which is completely unknown to someone feeling any sort of depression. The ability to see the big picture and not just the miserable day to day that you're stuck in.
I'm nowhere near naive enough to think this little encounter with religion helped turn my life. Over time I found my happiness again and eventually learned to embrace a level of self esteem and self confidence that has served me pretty well up to now. I rarely let things get me down now and I'm able to keep my problems at arms length. My current views on religion haven't changed though. I don't fully understand the logic of a room full of people singing hymns and essentially being brainwashed but if this is how they find their happiness and purpose in life then who am I to judge. Maybe I'm too wrapped up in material things to fully comprehend accepting something into my life that I can't see.